Co-regulation: The language of love we are not taught

Hello! Welcome to another edition of ABC of Mental Health, your partner in the journey to better mental health, one newsletter at a time.

We often talk about self-care, self-regulation, and independence, but rarely about the quiet, relational skills that help us feel safe in the first place. One of those is co-regulation: the ability to find emotional steadiness through connection with another. Co-regulation is the process of calming and stabilising our nervous system through safe, supportive relationships. These repeated experiences of being understood and soothed become the foundation for developing self-regulation over time.

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One relevant recommendation:

Growing at Your Own Pace: Co-Regulation Check-In (5 minute activity)

Take a moment to think of one person, place, or presence that helps you feel calm, understood, or less alone. Write their name (or draw a symbol for them) on a small piece of paper.

Then gently reflect: “How does my body feel when I am with or think of this support?”

If possible, send them a short message, sit beside them, or simply hold the thought of their support. Notice how connection, even in small ways, can help your nervous system feel more settled and safe.

Two Quotes on Co-regulation & Connection:

Bonnie Badenoch, well-respected therapist, mentor, and the author of The Heart of Trauma: Healing the Embodied Brain in the Context of Relationships:

“Our brains are continuously yearning for the arrival of a co-organising other.”

Sue Johnson, pioneering expert on adult attachment and couple therapy:

“We need emotional attachments with a few irreplaceable others to be physically and mentally healthy, to survive.”

Three TherapyShorts from TST:

1. Co-regulation before self-regulation
   Many of us feel frustrated when we can’t calm ourselves down quickly. What we often miss is that self-regulation is a skill built on repeated experiences of co-regulation. Being soothed, understood, and emotionally met teaches the nervous system what calm feels like. If regulating alone feels hard, it may not be a failure, it may be a sign that connection is needed first. Example: After a stressful day, instead of pushing yourself to “calm down,” you call a trusted friend and talk for ten minutes. Nothing is solved, but your breathing slows and your shoulders drop. That borrowed calm becomes something your body remembers later.

2. Why independence can feel exhausting

   Being “strong” or “independent” is often praised, but doing everything alone can dysregulate the nervous system over time. When support is missing, the body stays on alert, constantly managing stress without relief. Co-regulation allows us to borrow steadiness from others through shared routines, supportive check-ins, or safe presence. Interdependence, not isolation, sustains emotional resilience. Example: A person who insists on handling all responsibilities alone begins to feel burnt out. When they start having regular check-ins with a colleague or sharing meals with family, daily stress feels more manageable; not because life is easier, but because they’re no longer carrying it alone.

3. Making space for emotional safety
   Co-regulation doesn’t require deep conversations or problem-solving. It often shows up in small, consistent moments of emotional safety; being listened to, sitting quietly together, or having feelings acknowledged without being corrected. These moments teach the nervous system that it doesn’t have to stay in survival mode. Over time, safety becomes familiar rather than rare. Example: You’re overwhelmed and say, “I’ve had a hard day.” Instead of advice, the other person responds, “That sounds heavy. I’m here.” No fixing, no pushing, just presence. Slowly, your body softens, reminding you that you don’t have to manage everything on your own.

A QUICK QUESTION…

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, what helps you feel calmer most often? Vote here!

Last week, we asked you what feels most essential to you in a loving relationship, and the responses were… (drumroll please)…

With care and compassion,

The Social Therapist

PS: I don’t need help!

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