How gender norms hurt us all

Hello! Welcome to another edition of ABC of Mental Health, your partner in the journey to better mental health, one newsletter at a time.

Long before we knew who we were, many of us were taught who to be. Boys are told to be strong, not soft. Girls are told to be kind, not loud. Over time, these messages become internal rules shaping how we express emotion, set boundaries, ask for help, or silence ourselves. Gender norms don’t just influence behaviour; they shape nervous systems. They teach us which emotions are “acceptable” and which ones must be hidden. This edition invites you to explore what parts of yourself were shaped by gender and what it might mean to reclaim them.

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One relevant recommendation:

The “Who Taught Me This?” Reflection

Many gendered patterns operate automatically because they were learned early and reinforced often. This short reflection helps bring awareness to inherited rules:

Complete these sentences:

• “I learned it was unsafe to be ______.”

• “I learned I had to be ______ to be accepted.”

• “I learned people like me should never ______.”

Then ask gently: Is this belief protecting me, or limiting me now?

Research in psychology shows that naming internalised beliefs reduces their unconscious influence. Awareness doesn’t erase the pattern immediately but it creates space for choice.

Two Quotes on Identity and Emotional Freedom:

Bell Hooks, author and social critic, reminds us that rigid gender roles don’t just harm one group, they influence everyone:

“Patriarchy has no gender.”

Gloria Steinem, American journalist and social activist, reminds us that recognising how gender roles have shaped us can feel uncomfortable but awareness is often the first step toward reclaiming choice and living more authentically:

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”

Three TherapyShorts from TST:

1. When Strength Means Silence
   Many people, especially men, are taught that strength means emotional restraint: Tears become weakness and asking for help becomes failure. Over time, emotions don’t disappear; they go underground. This can show up as irritability, numbness, burnout, or isolation. The nervous system learns to suppress vulnerability to preserve belonging. But emotional suppression doesn’t create strength; it creates distance  from yourself and others. Real strength isn’t the absence of emotion; it’s the capacity to stay present with it. Sometimes healing begins with allowing yourself to feel what you were taught to hide.

2. When Care Becomes Obligation

   Many women and caregivers are taught their value lies in how much they give. Being “good” means being accommodating, selfless, and emotionally available. Over time, needs become negotiable, boundaries feel selfish, and exhaustion becomes normal. The nervous system learns to prioritise others to preserve connection. But constant over-giving isn’t kindness, it's depletion. Care loses meaning when it isn’t mutual. Healing often involves learning that your needs don’t threaten relationships; they sustain them. You don’t have to earn rest. You don’t have to justify your limits.

3. Everyone Pays the Price of Narrow Roles
   Gender norms don’t just limit individuals; they limit emotional range. When softness is discouraged, empathy shrinks. When assertiveness is punished, confidence erodes. Many people live split lives, by performing what’s expected while hiding what’s true. This constant self-monitoring keeps the nervous system on alert, reducing safety and authenticity. Healing doesn’t require rejecting identity; it requires expanding it. You can be strong and gentle, independent and supported, caring and boundaried. You don’t have to choose between belonging and being yourself.

A QUICK QUESTION…

Which message about gender shaped you the most growing up? Vote here!

Last week, we asked you what lingers the most when you make a difficult but necessary decision, and the responses were… (drumroll please)…

With care and compassion,

The Social Therapist

P.S. Damn gender roles!

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