Love As Safety, Not Intensity

Hello! Welcome to another edition of ABC of Mental Health, your partner in the journey to better mental health, one newsletter at a time.

Love is often portrayed as a fiery, all-consuming force: intense and dramatic. But real connection isn't based on volatility or extremes. Healthy love welcomes vulnerability and allows us to be who we are, as is. This edition explores how steady presence, secure attachment, and emotional safety are the quiet, sustainable foundations of love. Love doesn’t have to be intense to be real; it just needs room to grow.

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One relevant recommendation:

Small Things Often Create Secure Attachments (10 minute read)

This article features an interview with psychiatrist Dr Amir Levine, who explains how secure attachment is fundamentally about feeling safe with the right people. He highlights attachment styles and how each responds differently to intimacy and closeness. According to Levine, relationships don’t need dramatic demonstrations of love; what matters most is a partner’s consistent presence and responsiveness. A must-read for anyone seeking to establish closeness and safety in relationships.

Two Quotes on Love and Safety:

Tara Brach, psychologist and meditation teacher, on safe love:

“Real love feels like being met, not chased or tested.”

James Baldwin, writer and social critic, on love and truth:

“Love takes off the masks we fear we cannot live without.”

Three TherapyShorts from TST:

1. Calm can feel boring, but it isn’t
   Many of us learned that love comes with emotional highs and lows, urgency, or the fear of losing someone. It can show up as constant texting, ruminating over delayed replies and needing constant reassurance to feel secure. So when a connection feels calm, steady, or predictable, it can feel unfamiliar or dull. Often, it means our nervous system isn’t on high alert. Safety tends to feel quiet at first. Love that doesn’t keep us guessing may not create adrenaline, but it creates space to breathe, soften, and show up as ourselves.

2. Consistency is an act of care

   We’re often taught to equate love with grand gestures or dramatic moments like surprise trips, a fancy proposal, and massive customised celebrations. But emotional safety is built in quieter ways, like keeping promises, checking in, and repairing after misunderstandings. These moments may not feel exciting, but they are deeply regulating. Over time, consistency teaches the nervous system that connection doesn’t disappear when things feel uncomfortable or ordinary. Pause and reflect: What small, consistent behaviours help you feel grounded in a relationship?

3. Conflict doesn’t equal threat
   In relationships shaped by intensity through over-functioning, love bombing or frequent contact, conflict can feel threatening, as if closeness might disappear at any moment. In safer connections, disagreement doesn’t equal danger. You’re allowed to express discomfort, say no, or set limits without fearing abandonment or punishment. When conflict isn’t treated as a threat, repair becomes possible, and trust deepens. Reflect: What has conflict taught you about love so far, and what would you like it to feel like instead?

A QUICK QUESTION…

What feels most essential to you in a loving relationship? Vote here!

Last week, we asked you when self care feels hard, what usually gets in the way, and the responses were… (drumroll please)…

With care and compassion,

The Social Therapist

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