Stop Self-Sabotaging: Why You Get in Your Own Way

Hi there! Welcome back to The ABC of Mental Health, your weekly dose of reflection, support, and small steps toward well-being.

Have you ever found yourself procrastinating something important, picking fights in a good relationship, or avoiding taking that next leap forward… even when you want things to go well? That, my friend, is self-sabotage. It’s sneaky, but it’s common—and this week, we’re diving into why we do it and how to slowly step out of our own way.

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One relevant recommendation:

Name the fear behind the behaviour
Self-sabotage often masks deeper fears—of failure, rejection, or even success. The next time you notice a self-defeating pattern, pause and ask: “What fear might be underneath this?” Journaling or voice-noting your response can bring clarity and compassion to the surface.

Two Quotes on Self-sabotage:

Dr. Nicole LePera, psychologist, trauma-expert, and author of How to Do the Work:
“Self-sabotage is often self-protection. What looks like resistance is often an unconscious attempt to stay safe.”

Maureen Brady, author, editor and educator, on self-sabotage:
“Sometimes we self-sabotage just when things seem to be going smoothly. Perhaps this is a way to express our fear about whether it is okay for us to have a better life. We are bound to feel anxious as we leave behind old notions of our unworthiness. The challenge is not to be fearless but to develop strategies of acknowledging our fears and finding out how we can allay them.”

Three TherapyShorts from TST

1. Self-sabotage – what does it look like? Self-sabotage isn’t about being lazy or not trying hard enough; rather, it is a form of self-protection rooted in past experiences. For those of us who grew up in inconsistent environments, our mind-body may have learnt to be on guard, even when good things happen; if we didn’t receive unconditional love growing up, we will doubt unconditional support because it’s not our “normal”. Therefore, when life starts to feel calm, or when you get close to something meaningful like love, success, or healing, a part of you might get scared and want to pull away, delay things, or even mess them up. It’s not because you don’t want good things. It’s because a part of you is trying to remain safe.
   

2. Self-sabotage as a trauma response: Self-sabotage can show up as procrastination, perfectionism, choosing emotionally unavailable partners, quitting right before a breakthrough, or shrinking yourself in spaces where you’re finally being seen. These aren’t signs that something is wrong with you. Rather, these indicate ways in which you may have learnt to protect yourself when things felt confusing, unsafe, or hurtful. When we understand self-sabotage as a trauma response, the focus shifts from judgement to curiosity and compassion. We begin to ask: what unmet need is this behaviour trying to protect?
   

3. Breaking the cycle of self-sabotage: Breaking the cycle starts with gentle awareness. Instead of judging yourself when things fall apart, pause and ask, what was I feeling just before this happened? Sometimes, our body is still trying to protect us, even when we're safe now. It’s not about fixing ourselves, it’s about meeting the parts of us that have been trying so hard to survive. Healing doesn’t need to be big or fast. It begins with small acts of self-trust, doing one thing you promised yourself, letting someone in, or choosing rest instead of self-blame. Each small moment teaches you: it’s safe to stay, to grow, to receive and to do it all without turning away from yourself.

A QUESTION?

What does your self-sabotage look like? Vote here!

Last week, we asked you how do you cool down mentally on a hot day, and the responses were… (drumroll please)…

Love and light,

The Social Therapist

PS: Who’s behind this?