Tired of People-Pleasing? Here’s How to Stop

Hello! Welcome to another edition of ABC of Mental Health, your partner in the journey to better well-being—one newsletter at a time. Do you find yourself saying "yes" when you really want to say "no"? Do you feel responsible for how others feel, often at the expense of your own needs? If so, you’re not alone. People-pleasing can be exhausting, leading to resentment, burnout, and loss of self-identity. This week, let’s talk about how to break the cycle—without feeling guilty.

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One relevant recommendation:

Practice Saying "No" Without Over-Explaining
You don’t owe anyone a lengthy justification for prioritizing yourself. A simple “I can’t commit to this right now” or “That doesn’t work for me” is enough. Challenge yourself to say "no" without adding because… and see how liberating it feels.

Two Quotes on People Pleasing:

Dr. Nicole LePera, psychologist and author of How to Do the Work, on breaking free from people-pleasing:
 "Every time you abandon yourself to make someone else comfortable, you teach yourself that their needs matter more than yours.”

Glennon Doyle, author of Untamed, on reclaiming your truth:
 "Every time you pretend to be less than you are, you steal permission from others to exist fully.”

Three TherapyShorts from TST

1. Understand Where It Comes From
   People-pleasing often stems from childhood conditioning. It can be a fawn response – a survival strategy where someone prioritizes pleasing because saying no feels uncomfortable or even dangerous. Over time, this pattern can become automatic, leading to difficulty saying no, setting boundaries, or even recognising your own needs as valid. If you grew up feeling responsible for others' happiness, it can feel "unsafe" to set boundaries. Recognising this pattern is the first step in breaking it. Next time you hesitate to say no, ask yourself – am I doing this because I truly want to, or because I’m afraid of disappointing someone? Recovering from people-pleasing isn't about suddenly growing detached, it's about trusting that your needs, preferences, and limits matter just as much as anyone else’s.

2. Start Small with Low-Stakes Boundaries
   Setting boundaries can feel overwhelming, especially if you've spent years prioritising others over yourself. If saying no feels daunting, start small. Try declining an invitation when you’re tired or voicing your actual preference when making plans with a friend. The more you practice, the easier it gets. Boundaries don’t have to be big to be effective – each small act of self-advocacy rewires your brain to trust that it’s okay to prioritise yourself. The more you practise, the easier it becomes to set bigger boundaries – like advocating for yourself in relationships, at work, or in family dynamics.

3. Accept That Not Everyone Will Like It—And That’s Okay
   The hardest part of setting boundaries is dealing with the discomfort of others' reactions. Some people might not like your "no", especially if they're used to you always saying "yes". But remember—discomfort is not danger. The right people will respect your boundaries, and those who don’t? That’s valuable information about your relationship.

A QUESTION?

Which small act of gratitude feels easiest for you today? Vote here!

Last week, we asked you what helps you manage intense emotions, and the responses were… (drumroll please)…

Additional resource: Watch this video on understanding boundaries vs emotional distancing here.

Love and light,

The Social Therapist

PS: Many faces