Too Nice, Too Giving, Too Tired: The Good Girl/Guy Trap

Hello! Welcome to another edition of ABC of Mental Health, your partner in the journey to better well-being.

Ever feel like you’re too nice for your own good? You say yes when you want to say no. You give until you’re running on empty. And somehow, being “the good one” leaves you feeling anything but good. This week, we’re shining light on something many of us struggle with the pressure to always be “good”. That might be the Good Girl/Good Guy Trap, and it’s time we talked about it.

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One relevant recommendation:

Carry out a Goodness Audit: Notice when “being good” becomes automatic and how it affects your energy and choices.

1. Track Your Yeses and identify the beliefs that drive your response. 

2. Notice the Underflying Emotion and Consider the Cost on Yourself

3. Reflect on Alternatives to explore how your saying NO might have impacted you.

Two Quotes on Finding your Power:

Paulo Coelho, an author, talks about how sometimes over-giving to others can be at the expense of your own needs:

“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.”

Heather Colleen Reinhardt, author of Go Love Yourself: The Ultimate Guide to #liveyourbestlife says:

“All change starts from within; it starts with the courageous choice to make the change.”

Three TherapyShorts from TST

1. How Being ‘Good’ Starts
   The Good Girl/Good Boy Trap often begins in childhood, where compliance and helpfulness are rewarded with love, safety, or approval. Children quickly learn that being “good” keeps them safe or accepted. Over time, societal and familial patterns condition individuals to over-function and prioritize others’ needs above their own, making approval-seeking and self-sacrifice feel natural, even essential, while the authentic self and personal boundaries remain hidden.

2. Burnout Behind the Smile

   Fear of rejection, perfectionism, and over-responsibility drive the trap. Saying no or expressing true needs feels risky, while self-worth becomes tied to helpfulness or compliance. Automatic people-pleasing suppresses authentic feelings, leading to fatigue, burnout, and resentment. Constantly giving without replenishing energy creates emotional strain, leaving individuals drained, irritable, or disconnected from themselves. The irony is that what starts as kindness can become self-neglect.

3. Redefining ‘Good’
   The pattern persists because early rewards, anxiety about judgment, and habitual over-giving make it feel safe and default. Breaking free requires conscious effort: tracking automatic yeses, practicing small boundaries, and reconnecting with personal needs and values. Redefining goodness as authentic kindness rather than self-sacrifice helps restore balance. Over time, individuals learn to give intentionally, protect their energy, and cultivate relationships rooted in reciprocity, creating a sustainable and authentic life without guilt or constant over-extension.

A QUICK QUESTION…

Which area of your life suffers most from over-giving? Vote here!

Last week, we asked you what resonates with you the most when you think of holiday overwhelm, and the responses were… (drumroll please)…

With care and compassion,

The Social Therapist