Understanding Your Attachment Style: How It Shapes Your Relationships

Hello! Welcome to another edition of ABC of Mental Health, your partner in the journey to better mental health, one newsletter at a time.

Have you ever noticed the same patterns showing up in your relationships? Attachment styles help explain why we seek closeness, pull away, or feel anxious in connection—and how these responses affect our emotional wellbeing. Find out more about your own attachment style and how it influences your relationships.

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One relevant recommendation:

Journaling Prompt to Understanding Your Attachment Style (2 minute activity)

Take a few quiet moments to reflect on your relationships, past or present and fill out the blanks using prompts that feel the most suited to you.

• When I feel close and connected to someone, I usually feel __________ (a - restrained; b - nervous; c - calm) and tend to __________ (a - pull back a bit; b -  check in frequently; c - enjoy the closeness).  

• When I sense distance, conflict, or uncertainty, I often respond by __________ (a - pulling away emotionally; b - replaying our conversations; c - trying to fix things).

• Looking across my relationships, I notice this pattern showing up again and again: __________ (a - I feel uncomfortable depending on others; b - I worry about being left or replaced; c - I feel steady unless there’s ongoing conflict).

• I think this pattern developed to help me feel __________ (a - independent; b - in control; c - safe) or protect me from __________ (a - losing myself; b - feeling abandoned; c - emotional pain).

• If this reflects my attachment style, what it might be asking for is __________ (a -  space; b - reassurance; c- clarity).

• One small, compassionate step I could take toward healthier connection is __________ (a - checking assumptions; b - pausing before reacting; c - asking directly for what I need).

If your responses were mostly:

1. You may have an Avoidant Attachment, with you keeping emotional distance, avoiding vulnerability, or shutting down during conflict.

2. You may have an Anxious Attachment, with you overthinking texts, fearing rejection, or feeling very upset with disconnection.

3. You may have a Secure Attachment, with you feeling safe being yourself and believing that relationships can be stable and supportive.

This reflection isn’t about labeling or judging yourself. Attachment patterns are learned responses—and with awareness, they can change and evolve into earned security.

Two Quotes on Attachments:

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of ‘Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage’ offers:

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.”

Diane Poole Heller, author of The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships:

“Being comfortable in your own skin and having tools that help you relax is a really big deal, but learning how to feel safe with others is revolutionary. When your nervous system can co-regulate with other people, and you feel safe and playful and relaxed, you can develop a stronger sense of secure attachment and enjoy its profound rewards, no matter what environment you grew up in.”

Three TherapyShorts from TST:

1. Practice Naming Your Needs Clearly and Calmly
   Developing a more secure attachment starts with learning how to express your needs without fear or urgency. Many relationship challenges come from unmet or unspoken needs. Practice using clear, non-blaming language such as “I feel” and “I need,” especially during calm moments. This builds emotional safety and reduces misunderstandings. Over time, consistently naming your needs helps strengthen trust, improve communication, and support healthier mental health in relationships.

2. Build Emotional Regulation Before Reacting

   Secure attachment is closely linked to emotional regulation. When you notice yourself feeling triggered (anxious, distant, or overwhelmed), pause before responding. Simple grounding techniques like slow breathing, taking space, or journaling can help your nervous system settle. Responding rather than reacting allows for more thoughtful communication and emotional balance. Learning to self-soothe supports secure attachment by reducing conflict, increasing self-awareness, and promoting stability in close relationships.

3. Choose Consistency Over Perfection in Relationships
   Moving toward secure attachment doesn’t require perfect communication or flawless relationships. What matters most is consistency. It can be through showing up, repairing after conflict, and following through on words and actions. Small, reliable behaviours build trust over time and reinforce emotional safety. This consistency helps both you and others feel more secure, valued, and connected. Focusing on steady effort rather than perfection supports healthier relationship patterns and long-term emotional wellbeing.

A QUICK QUESTION…

What Attachment Style do you have in your relationships? Vote here!

Last week, we asked you what your relationship with an undesireable habit most feels like, and the responses were… (drumroll please)…

With care and compassion,

The Social Therapist

P.S.: Relationships issues