We’re Great at Kindness, Just Not to Ourselves

Hello! Welcome to another edition of ABC of Mental Health, your partner in the journey to better mental health, one newsletter at a time.

We often offer compassion, patience, and softness to the people we love, yet when it comes to ourselves, the tone shifts. We become the critic, not the comforter. This week, we explore why kindness toward ourselves feels harder, how early patterns shape this, and what it takes to extend inward the same warmth we extend outward.

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One relevant recommendation:

The Compassionate Letter Exercise (10 minutes)

Writing to yourself like you would to a loved one can rewire how you respond to struggle.

1. Recall a moment where you felt ashamed, anxious, or inadequate.

2. Write a letter to yourself as if you were comforting a close friend.
   Use phrases like “It makes sense you felt that way…”, “It’s okay to struggle with this…”, “You don’t have to earn rest or care.”

3. Read it aloud. Notice how different it feels from your usual self-talk.

When practiced consistently, this exercise helps shift the inner critic into an inner ally. On a sheet of paper, draw two columns or two simple figures — one for Body, one for Mind. 

Two Quotes on Self Love:

Nayyirah Waheed, African-American poet and author, on the gentle power of befriending yourself: 

“And I said to my body, softly, 'I want to be your friend.' It took a long breath and replied, “I have been waiting my whole life for this.”

Rupi Kaur, poet and author, on the link between self-love and how we relate to others:

“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.”

Three TherapyShorts from TST

1. Why Self-Compassion Feels “Selfish”
   Many of us grow up hearing, “Think of others first,” which subtly teaches us that our needs are burdensome. Over time, caring for ourselves can trigger guilt as if we’re breaking a rule. But compassion isn’t a limited resource. When we’re depleted, kindness toward others becomes forced or performative. Self-compassion replenishes the emotional energy that allows us to show up gently and genuinely for others. Think of it as the emotional oxygen mask: you breathe first to be able to support someone next to you. The world benefits when you are watered, not withered.

2. The Inner Critic Isn’t a Villain; It’s a Protector

   That harsh voice in your head? It is usually formed in childhood to help you avoid mistakes, rejection, or disappointment. It’s trying, awkwardly, to keep you “safe.” Instead of fighting it, you can respond with curiosity: What is this part afraid will happen if I fail? This reframes inner criticism into guidance rather than punishment. When we soothe the fear underneath, our tone naturally softens. You don’t have to silence the critic; you can help it evolve. Safety and growth coexist when fear doesn’t lead the conversation.

3. Kindness Looks Different When It’s Inward
   We often assume kindness should feel soothing, but self-kindness can feel uncomfortable at first. It asks us to pause productivity, sit with emotions, and challenge old beliefs like “I’m not allowed to rest.” Real self-kindness isn’t just bubble baths and affirmations; sometimes it’s boundaries, saying no, letting yourself disappoint others, or picking rest over hustle. The discomfort is evidence of unlearning, not weakness. Over time, kindness becomes less of a treat and more of a language your nervous system recognizes as home.  

A QUICK QUESTION…

When you’re struggling, which voice shows up first? Vote here!

Last week, we asked you what your relationship with your body’s signals feel most like, and the responses were… (drumroll please)…

With care and compassion,

The Social Therapist

P.S.: Wishing you softness, especially on the days you feel you deserve it the least.