What If Love Didn’t Feel Like a Game? Here's What Secure Attachment Looks Like

Hello! Welcome to another edition of ABC of Mental Health, your companion on your journey to mental health. 

Hello! Welcome to another edition of ABC of Mental Health, your companion on your journey to mental health. Ever wonder why love feels so confusing, like a game with invisible rules? For many of us, love becomes a performance chasing approval, reading mixed signals, or hiding parts of ourselves. So when someone shows up with warmth and consistency, it can feel unfamiliar or even suspicious. This isn’t about “fixing” your attachment style, but exploring what secure love really feels like safe, steady, and not a tug-of-war. We’re not wired to crave chaos; we just learned to survive it.

If this resonates with you, send it to someone on your WhatsApp who might feel the same.

One relevant recommendation:

“The Lengths We Go To Avoid Love” – The School of Life (6 minutes video)

This video breaks down why so many of us feel restless or unworthy when someone treats us well. It explores how childhood experiences shape what love feels like—and how we can slowly learn to trust connection that is gentle, consistent, and secure. If secure love feels unfamiliar, or even boring—this one’s for you. 

Two Quotes on Safety & Connection:

Bell Hooks, author of All About Love, reminds us that love isn’t found—it’s built, intentionally and patiently:

“Love is an action, never simply a feeling.”

Dr. Nicole LePera, psychologist and creator of The Holistic Psychologist, speaks to the unfamiliar calm of secure love:

“If love feels safe, calm, and consistent, and your nervous system isn’t used to that, it might mistake it for boredom. It’s not.”

Three TherapyShorts from TST

1. Secure Attachment Isn’t “Perfect”—It’s Safe

   People with secure attachment aren’t flawless communicators or free of triggers. They just feel safe enough to be honest, repair when things go wrong, and trust that they won’t be abandoned for being imperfect. For those used to emotional unpredictability, this can feel almost… underwhelming. But safety isn't boring—it's what allows real closeness to grow. Secure love is consistent, not clingy; warm, not overwhelming. The more we learn to regulate our nervous system and sit with calm connection, the less we crave the high of chaos—and the more we feel at home with peace.
   

2. Mixed Signals Aren’t a Sign of Depth

   We often confuse intensity with intimacy. If we’ve grown up in environments where love came with inconsistency—withdrawal, conditions, or silence—then clarity can feel unnatural. That’s why some of us chase emotionally unavailable partners: the distance feels familiar. But secure attachment doesn’t make you guess. You don’t have to perform, analyze texts, or constantly earn your worth. The work is to notice when unpredictability feels like chemistry, and to remind yourself: It’s okay to want steady. Love isn’t less meaningful because it’s gentle. In fact, that might be the kind you’ve needed all along.
   

3. When Safety Feels Scary

   Here’s the paradox: sometimes the safest relationships feel the most terrifying. Why? Because being truly seen—without masks or games—requires vulnerability. And if we’re used to guarding our hearts, that openness can feel risky. You might find yourself withdrawing, doubting, or sabotaging something that feels good. That doesn’t mean you’re broken—it means a part of you is trying to protect old wounds. Secure attachment is not about “earning love”—it’s about learning that love doesn’t disappear when you mess up. You don’t have to trust immediately. Just begin by staying curious instead of shutting down.

A QUICK QUESTION…

What do you do when someone gets emotionally close to you? Vote here!

Last week, we asked what hits you hardest when you scroll through holiday posts, and the responses were… (drumroll please)…

With care and compassion,

The Social Therapist

P.S.: Is this what your relationship feels like?