Why Do I Apologize Even When It’s Not My Fault?

Hello! Welcome to another edition of ABC of Mental Health, your partner in the journey to better mental health, one newsletter at a time.

Have you ever said “sorry” when someone bumped into you? Or apologised for how you feel, what you need, or simply for taking up space? For many of us, apologising isn’t just politeness, it’s a pattern. This week, we’re exploring why over-apologising happens, what it might be protecting you from, and how to slowly replace guilt with grounded self-worth. 

If you like what you read here, click to share this newsletter via WhatsApp today! 😊 

One relevant recommendation:

The “Pause Before Sorry” Practice (10 second activity) 

The next time you feel the urge to say “sorry,” try this:

1. Pause for 3 seconds

2. Ask yourself: “Did I actually do something wrong?”

3. If not, replace “sorry” with:

   • “Thank you for your patience”

   • “I appreciate you waiting”

   • “Let me explain what happened”

This small shift helps move you from guilt to clarity, while removing unnecessary self-blame, and keeping kindness intact.

Two Quotes on Self Worth and Boundaries:

Brené Brown, researcher and author, speaks about the courage it takes to own your space:

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

Nedra Glover Tawwab, therapist and author, reminds us that not everything requires an apology:

“Just because someone is uncomfortable doesn’t mean you did something wrong.”

Three TherapyShorts from TST:

1.  “Sorry” as a Survival Skill

   In therapy, I often see how over-apologising didn’t start as a flaw, it started as an adaptation. Many clients grew up in environments where conflict felt unsafe, or where they were blamed, dismissed, or misunderstood. Saying “sorry” became a way to de-escalate, to stay connected, or to avoid rejection. So now, even in safe situations, that reflex shows up. Not because you lack confidence, but because your nervous system learnt that harmony equals safety.

2. When Guilt Shows Up Without a Mistake

   A lot of people tell me, “I know it’s not my fault, but I still feel bad.” That’s because guilt isn’t always about wrongdoing, it’s often about conditioning. If you were made responsible for others’ emotions growing up, you may still feel accountable for how others feel around you. So you apologise to fix discomfort, even when it isn’t yours to fix. In therapy, we slowly separate responsibility from emotion: I can care about how you feel without taking the blame for it.

3. Learning to Hold Discomfort Without Fixing It

   One of the hardest shifts is this: letting someone be uncomfortable without rushing to apologise. That silence can feel unbearable at first. I’ve had clients say, “If I don’t say sorry, it feels like I’ve done something wrong.” But over time, we practice sitting in that space, realising that discomfort doesn’t equal danger. You can be kind, respectful, and still not apologise. That’s where boundaries begin, not in conflict, but in self-trust.

A QUICK QUESTION…

When do you find yourself apologizing the most? Vote here!

Last week, we asked you what makes emotionally unavailable partners feel appealing to you, and the responses were… (drumroll please)…

With care and compassion,

The Social Therapist