Why You Keep Pushing People Away (And How to Finally Stop)

ABC of Mental Health

Author

Shiromi Chaturvedi
July 10, 2025

This week on ABC of Mental Health, your companion on your journey to mental health, we will take stock of our relationships, particularly the ones that we may struggle with at times. Pushing people away—even when you crave connection—is a deeply human struggle that often stems from emotional protection. If you’ve ever felt like relationships slip through your fingers or you keep people at arm’s length, you’re not alone. However, it often ends up hurting more in the long run. Healing takes time, patience, and compassion for yourself. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s connection, even if it feels messy or uncertain at times.

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One relevant recommendation (Article):

The article explores the emotional push-pull many people experience in relationships, especially those with a history of abandonment, neglect, or emotional unpredictability. It unpacks why closeness can feel both deeply desired and terrifying at the same time. It offers insights into why fear often shows up just as connection deepens, and protects us against rejection. It's a must-read for anyone who has ever felt "too much" or "too distant" in love.

Two Quotes on Distance & Attachment:

 Brené Brown, researcher & author, on emotional self-protection:

“The walls we build to protect ourselves often become the prisons we live in.”

Yung Pueblo, author and speaker on emotional healing, reminds us:

“True healing is allowing yourself to receive the love you deserve, not the love you’ve been taught to accept.”

Three TherapyShorts from TST

  1. Closeness Can Feel Confusing

    For many trauma survivors, closeness doesn't automatically feel safe. We may crave closeness deeply, but also panic at receiving it. A part of us might wonder, “This will end anyway, so I better protect myself now.” As we approach these coping responses with curiosity instead of criticism, we learn more about them. Often, the parts of us that seem distant aren't trying to sabotage connection – they’re trying to protect us from being hurt again. The work isn’t to force closeness, but to build safety slowly enough that all parts of you feel ready to come along. Wanting closeness means learning to trust—not just others, but yourself. We guide clients through practicing vulnerability in small, safe ways—like stating a need or asking for support. You don’t need to “fix” yourself to be worthy of love. You just need to start showing up with honesty and compassion—for yourself, first.

  2. Love Can Feel Unsafe

    Especially if being loved has meant being watched, judged, or hurt. For those who’ve grown up with emotional neglect or unpredictable care, love often comes with conditions: perform, please, or disappear. Being seen didn’t feel safe; it felt exposing. So now, when love shows up, it might trigger anxiety or an urge to pull away because it triggers the belief: “They’ll leave if they really know me.” This doesn’t mean we’re ungrateful; it means our nervous system is protecting us. Often, spaces like therapy can help explore our stories of love – what closeness meant, what it cost, and slowly build trust with the parts of us that want connection but fear what it might bring.

  3. Avoidance Can Be A Form of Grief

    When we push people away, it’s not always out of fear. Sometimes, it’s about unspoken grief – the kind that builds when our needs go unmet, or when important relationships end without closure. Being close to someone now can bring up those old longings and losses. That kind of ache can feel so big, it’s easier to shut down than feel it. But avoiding connection doesn’t mean we don’t want love. It often means a part of us is carrying sadness that never had space to be seen. Giving that sadness room without rushing it can help us feel more ready for closeness.

A QUICK CHECK IN…

When you feel overwhelmed in relationships, you often… 

Last week, we asked about something that you’ve overthought for absolutely no reason at all, and the responses were… (drumroll please)…

With care and compassion,

The Social Therapist

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