Why am I always falling for emotionally unavailable people?

Hello! Welcome to another edition of ABC of Mental Health, your partner in the journey to better mental health, one newsletter at a time.

Have you ever found yourself repeatedly drawn to people who seem exciting at first but eventually pull away, avoid emotional closeness, or keep you guessing? This newsletter explores why emotionally unavailable partners can feel so compelling, what these patterns might be trying to tell us about our emotional worlds, and how awareness can open the door to healthier connections.

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One relevant recommendation:

Understanding Attachment Patterns (12 minute video)

Watch and learn from this simple, insightful video by Dr Tracy Marks, who explains the neuroscience of attachment styles. This video explains how early emotional experiences shape your “love blueprint,” influencing who you feel drawn to and why certain patterns repeat.

Watching this can help you begin to understand:

• Why emotionally unavailable people can feel familiar

• How anxious and avoidant patterns interact in relationships

• Why awareness is the first step toward building more secure connections

Sometimes, learning why these patterns exist can be more powerful than trying to immediately change them.

Two Quotes on Bodies and Self-Worth:

Stephen Chbosky, author, on love and self-worth:

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

Esther Perel, psychotherapist and relationship expert, on emotional closeness:

“The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.”

Three TherapyShorts from TST:

1. Familiar doesn’t always mean healthy

   Many people who find themselves attracted to emotionally unavailable partners grew up experiencing love that felt inconsistent, unpredictable, or distant. When affection is mixed with withdrawal, our nervous system can begin to associate longing and uncertainty with intimacy. For example:

   • You might feel deeply drawn to someone who is “warm one day and distant the next”, because it mirrors the emotional unpredictability you once experienced.

   • Or you may notice that consistent, available people feel “nice but not exciting", while someone who keeps you guessing feels far more compelling.

   Later in life, emotionally unavailable partners may unconsciously feel familiar, even if they are painful. Healing often involves gently retraining ourselves to recognise that steady, reciprocal love is not boring; it’s safe.

2. The chase can feel like connection

   Emotionally unavailable people can sometimes create a push-pull dynamic: moments of closeness followed by distance. This pattern can trigger a powerful emotional response that feels like chemistry. For instance:

   • You may find yourself constantly checking your phone, waiting for their reply, and feeling a rush when they finally respond.

   • Or you might feel especially connected after they come back following a period of distance, mistaking relief for intimacy.

   In reality, it may be activating our attachment system, making us work harder for validation and closeness. The more we chase connections, the more invested we become.

   Learning to pause and ask, “Is this mutual effort?” can help us recognise when attraction is driven by emotional scarcity rather than genuine compatibility.

3. Availability begins with us

   Sometimes we focus on the other person’s emotional unavailability without noticing our own subtle forms of distance. For example, we may choose partners who cannot fully show up because true intimacy feels unfamiliar or vulnerable. This doesn’t mean the pattern is your fault. It simply means relationships can become mirrors for parts of ourselves that are still learning to feel safe with closeness. As we build emotional safety within ourselves, we naturally begin to seek relationships where care, effort, and presence flow both ways.

A QUICK QUESTION…

What makes emotionally unavailable partners feel appealing to you? Vote here!

Last week, we asked you when summer approaches, what affects your relationship with your body the most, and the responses were… (drumroll please)…

With care and compassion,

The Social Therapist